alone in a full room

walls far from each other
the room filled with
people...
visiting,
laughing together,
catching up on each other's weeks...

she sat alone
a room filled and noisy
yet unaware of her
and the days, week, and months
of sorrow...change

the need to talk
was not hers...
hers was a time
to be silent

a heart broken
a life aware of the
fleeting moments
this life offers...
precious life
so quickly ended...
memories...
blessings

the songs sung
were devoid of comfort
and just represented reminders
of what was no longer

tears leaked...
shoulders shaking...
pushing back the
overwhelming

shadows of truth
speaking of
fulfillment through
things,
substance,
of no worth

she does not believe the lie...
at least she doesn't
want to...
the lie
that what is seen
is it...
that what is seen
determines worth

instead, she sits
clinging to
leaning on
what will last
believing
sight-unseen
of promises given
long ago

steady
slowly
healing to come
tears
open hands
trusting

someday
the unseen
will be seen
the seen
will fall aside

waiting

lost

last night
     nearing dark
little boy lost
     without shoes or coat
cold out
     neighbors walking
calling out his name
     searching in vehicles
walking the neighborhood
     panicked great-grandmother
who had been watching him
     and his 4 sisters
"Is he hiding in the house?"
     "No, I looked"
police and emergency personnel called
     walking with flashlights
ambulance with flashing lights nearby...waiting
     vehicles driving the streets slowly
drivers looking and looking
     lots and lots of prayers
searching pastures and fields
     neighbors' playground sets
and backyards
     looking, looking, looking
more people joining in
     call from my husband
HE IS FOUND!
     drive home
drop off my friend who had called
     sigh...
***************************************
little boy had crawled into
     his great grandparents' bed
and was asleep
     giving thanks
what a wonderful neighborhood!

a letter to Zane

Dear Zane,
     One week ago, the head stone designed by your brother, my husband arrived to mark where your body is resting.  How does one sum up in just a few words what an entire life entailed?  I wish each grave had a book by it...a book written that those walking through the cemetery could read....because each and every person there has a story to tell. 
     We miss you.  We miss you teasing Joshua and Austin.  We miss being able to invite you to watch their games.  We miss going to games to cheer on you as the coach.  We miss having to make food without anything green in it.  We miss having to ask you to turn down the music because you have it up too loud.  We miss seeing you walk to work as we are taking Joshua and Austin to school.  We miss being able to call you and invite you over to enjoy the firepit with us.
     Someone has stopped by and left a few golf balls in the dirt.  You meant so very much to so very many people.  Your family was bigger than who lived within the four walls of your home.  You were loved.
     We are so thankful for the time that we had with you...and we look forward to the day when we will be reunited with you in heaven.  Until then, we grieve our own loss...not yours...because you have gained.
Love to you,
SJJA (Scott, Jennie, Joshua, and Austin)

my prayer today...

Oh, Dearest Jesus...
Today we are thankful...
thankful for breath...
thankful for active,
       loving boys...
thankful for each day
       You give us...
thankful for the change of seasons...
thankful for friends...
thankful for a walk
        with You...
thankful for warm blankets...
thankful for coffee visits...
thankful for memories...

Please hold us close
       as we trust You
              and wait for You to do a mighty work...

You do not give to just take away...
You have a good plan...
You can see the whole picture...
You bring moisture to the desert...
You paint the sky each morning and evening...
You cause the birds to sing
       and the flowers to bloom...
Blessed be Your Name.

rest...

Rest...ah, sweet rest!  Not just the 6-8 hours during the night, but rest for my soul...I have desperately needed rest and when I've just keep pushing through and going and working and such, my body has just revolted...and now, it is on strike!  (For me, that has looked like this...being sick for over a month and still not feeling back to "normal"...whatever that is!)

This morning, I've been reading in Psalms...my all-time favorite book for expressing with King David what I'm feeling and always coming back to God and His goodness.  Then I read several other verses in the Bible about rest...soul rest.    

Psalm 23:1-6

The LORD is my shepherd;

I have everything I need.

He lets me rest in green pastures.

He leads me to calm water.

He gives me new strength.

He leads me on paths that are right for the good of His name.

Even if I walk through a very dark valley,

I will not be afraid, because You are

with me.

Your rod and Your walking stick comfort me.

You prepare a meal for me

in front of my enemies.

You pour oil on my head;

You fill my cup to overflowing.

Surely Your goodness and love will be with

me all my life,

and I will live in the house of the LORD

forever.

 

Exodus 33:14

The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

 

Psalm 62:1

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.

Isaiah 49:13

Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth;

burst into song, O mountains!  For the LORD

comforts His people and will have compassion

on His afflicted ones.

 

Jeremiah 6:16

This is what the LORD says:

"Stand at the crossroads and look;

ask for the ancient paths,

ask where the good way is,

and walk in it,

and you will find rest

for your souls."

 

Jeremiah 31:13

Then the maidens will dance and be glad,

young men and old as well.

I will turn their mourning into gladness;

I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

 

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened,

and I will give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,

for I am gentle and humble in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For My yoke is easy and

My burden is light.

 

II Corinthians 1:3,4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

Who comforts us in all our troubles,

so that we can comfort those in any trouble

with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

 

***********************************************

 

Lord,

Thank You for giving me rest

as I seek to follow You.

Thank You for bringing me and my family comfort.

You Alone are good.

when there is no answer...

     Last night, well, actually early this morning...from 2AM-4AM to be exact, I was up.  Thoughts swirling around in my mind.  Sleep was lost to me.  This has happened before...many a time when I've been doing a lot of thinking or dealing with something that is honestly very stressful.  I'm not sure that it falls into the category of worry...maybe just trying to wrap my mind around something and figure it out...like those high school math problems that I went to bed not understanding but woke up with an epiphany of an answer.  Yes, that was me this morning.

     Only, I have no answer.  Thinking and thinking and thinking and still no answer.  Praying and praying and praying and yet I have no answer.  Oh, I know God heard me because I practically screamed the words into my journal for over an hour.  I know He hears me.  I know He cares.  I know He understands.  And yet, I have no answer. 

     His answers to me are often "wait" and so, here I am, waiting...(no, that was not me stomping my feet).  Yes, waiting...but this waiting isn't just standing or sitting...there is so much to do WHILE I'm waiting.  Things like taking care of my family...and sharing life with my husband...and resting.  He has me in a holding pattern right now...that's ok...because this holding pattern includes a refilling...a refueling...because this plane is on E. 

     So, while I wait, I want to pour my heart out to Him...just like King David did in the Psalms.  He didn't bottle his feelings up, nor did he deny he had feelings at all.  But he did always come back to the promises of God.  For me, pouring out comes easiest with words on a page.  And that is why in the early hours of this morning, I screamed my heart out to the One Who Hears.

     He hears.  He sees.  He understands.  He has a good plan.  He is good.  He will bring good out of suffering.  He is my Defender.  He is my Rock.  He is my Shield.  He covers me with His wings.  He heals.  He can be trusted.  He is just amazing.

"But He knows the way that I take;

when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold."

Job 23:10

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call upon Me and some and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you." ~Jeremiah 29:11-14a

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

be pleasing in Your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

Psalm 19:14

 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been

called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28

 

"He will cover you with His feathers,

and under His wings you will find refuge;

His faithfulness will be

your shield and rampart."

Psalm 91:4

    

a thankful fall...

this fall, I am
thankful for...

hot chocolate
a cozy blanket and a good book
leaves turning colors
         and falling from the trees
pumpkins
baking

cooler weather
rakes
crunching beneath my feet
warm fuzzy socks
flag football games

laughter as my blessings play
hot apple cider
school events
sweaters and long sleeved shirts
harvest

corn shucks everywhere
mums in bloom
planting bulbs
wind
lots of blankets

firepits
smores
caramel apples
yummy hot coffee
my family
and precious memories of those
     gone before us...

*************************
Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are His.
He changes times and seasons;
He sets up kings and deposes them.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
He knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with Him.
I thank and praise You, O God of my fathers:
You have given me wisdom and power,
You have made known to me what we asked of You,
You have made known to us the dream of the king.
~Daniel's praise to God in Daniel 2:20-23

Lord,  You bring the wonderful change of seasons to us...thank you!

grief is...

grief is like...

going through childbirth

in a glass room

with everyone

as the audience

 

as another jolting pain

comes

each audience member

takes their turn

to approach

me in

my pain

with at least one

question,

"How are you doing?"

 

CAN'T YOU SEE?!

I'm giving birth...

I'm in the middle

of the most

painful event

of my entire life!

 

only this birth

doesn't lead

to a sweet

cuddly

adorable

baby

 

this birth

this pain

leads

to loss

 

HOW AM I?!

I'm in

pain,

I've had a part of me

and my family

ripped away

this side of heaven

 

HOW AM I?!

the barrage of

questions

is never-ending

 

and the

answers

evade me

 

HOW AM I?!

normal life-function

and normal

life-events

take

effort

 

HOW AM I?!

words spoken

cannot

bring back

what is gone

gone

gone

 

HOW AM I?!

remarks

however

meaningful

cut

they cut the flesh

of a broken

heart

 

words that can usually be

cast aside

find their way

to the depths

of my being

and

cause another

wave of

nauseous

vomitous

pain

 

HOW AM I?!

struggling

to

just be

a wife

and a mom

with

no other expectations

answering

only to the

one I gave my life to

and the One Whose life

was given for me

 

HOW AM I?!

falling

face to the floor

weeping

groaning

sighing

and

catching my breath

waiting for another wave

of pain to come

and go

 

HOW AM I?!

clinging to

grasping for

the promises

I find

in His Word

to

rest

be still

find peace in Him

look to Him

waiting on Him

 

HOW AM I?!

in pain

but trusting

trusting that

He in His

time

will bring

healing

to this

broken

heart

in pain

from the

loss

known only

this side of heaven

 

**********************

"The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;

He delivers them from all their troubles.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:17, 18

 

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him..."

Psalm 37:7a

 

"I waited patiently for the LORD;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD."

Psalm 40:1-3

 

"Weeping may remain for a night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Psalm 30:5b

 

********************************

Lord,
Thank you for your promises to us...that though we may weep because of our great loss,
You will heal our hearts.  You are close to us.
Thank you.

following the One Who sees

following...
I think I see the next step...
walking behind
the One Who can
see the whole picture

One step
in front of the other...
sometimes leaping
like a little girl
from one
step
to the next...

stopping for
rest
to see the
trickling
bubbling
creek

sitting under
the shady tree

one step in
front of the other

climbing,
climbing
a rugged
mountain...
oh, this
is
really
really
hard

as I near
the top,
I catch
the most amazing
view
breath-taking

and when the easy
road would
have made
more sense
I
am
grateful
I followed

the One Who sees

today, I...today, You

Today, I am choosing...

thankfulness instead of complaint,

joy instead of sorrow,

caring instead of complacency.

 

Today will only come to me once...

today, I am going to get that

bathroom scrubbed...

today, I will turn and look in the eyes,

the blessing who speaks to me...

today, I will...

today, I...

 

Oh, Lord,

today, I will turn to you...

I will take each of these things

and lay them at Your feet...

because I honestly have nothing to offer

these blessings You have

so graciously given to me...

I am empty.

 

How can I give

 when I'm not filled?

How can I clean and work

 when I have no energy at all?

 

But You are

the strength that I need

to meet

each

and

every

one...

with graciousness,

generosity,

and

gratitude.

 

Thank You.

how have I forgotten?

How have I forgotten?

the dust is thick on the surface,
papers lay waiting to be sorted...
most needing to be put in file 13

crumbs, leaves, dust bunnies have found
their home in the corners of
my kitchen floor...

the dining room table is filled
with random things...
a cutting board,
dishes,
school papers

I look around as though awakened
from a haze
and see
that life has happened...
exploded everywhere

This morning, I began in one corner of our home...
de-cluttering,
re-arranging,
putting away,
throwing away...
and I have re-discovered
a love of mine...

making our home
a special place to be...
a place to rest...
to laugh...
and to cry.

How did I ever forget?

And the wind blew...

 Last week, the wind blew...

it blew for over 2 days...

like a hair dryer on turbo!

There is a corn field

just to the north of our yard,

the wind blew and blew.

It blew corn husks all over...

but a lot of the field

stopped so nicely

by our new fence :)

Joshua in the corn pile

Austin...where are you?

Look at that debris!

by the rosebush

debris along the garden path

happy blooming mums

 

view to the west along our neighbor's fence...bushes are in our yard

by our shed

Our neighbor's yard and fence really caught

the corn and leaves!

(Joshua takes care of the neighbor's yard...)

in the neighbor's yard

neighbor's yard

on our side

Look at how the wind pushed the shucks through the fence!

The wind blew dirt into the house!

in the back of the pickup

garden phlox blooming

garden path

The wind blew at a constant speed of over 50 mph.  

Semi trucks were tipped over...

a roof downtown was ripped off...

and several trampolines blew out of their yards.

We are very thankful that we didn't have more damage!

*******************************

Lord,

Thank you for your protection during our windstorm!

Thank you for sturdy homes in our community...

Thank you!

A Season of Loss...

Now, I know in life, there a lot of things to be thankful for...so many things...but right now, this season of thankfulness is also...
A Season of Loss...
a time of stripping away people and things I've done...
a time of change...
kind of like a caterpillar changing to a butterfly...
only right now, I'm in the cocoon...
just waiting.

Almost 5 months ago, my husband's only brother and sibling was killed in a tragic car accident.
Just about a month ago, I quit playing piano for church.
And last Thursday, I announced in Bible study (that I have lead for years) that I would be taking a break from leading...
taking a pause needed for my own heart....
broken in many places...even before that horrid event June 1st.

I have no idea what God has in mind for me...how does one go about "resting" anyway?  I'm not at all used to it...I'm always helping with something, serving in some way...so, God added yet another piece to the equation of this time of rest.  What one thing MAKES me sit still?  Being sick.  Yes, sickness... even this morning, I had to stay home from church because I have a low-grade fever.  Crazy!

But even in this crazy-time-I-never-would-have-chosen-for-myself, I know that...
God is good, and He will bring good out of this.
He is faithful, and He will carry me through.
He loves me, and He will heal my broken heart.
He is...and because He is, I don't have to worry, but just hold tight.

*******************************************
Lord,
You know me...You know my heart...You know I've never been one to rest.  Show me how to be still.
Your daughter,
Jennie

the Land of Comparison and my trip out

I haven't blogged in quite a while...honestly, because I'm in a very difficult situation where I would prefer to strangle someone with my words.  But what good would come of that?  None...  I've been in a land of comparisons...not a good place to be.

I've been given unsolicited advice...and not even in an area where I am living opposing to my Lord...my God Whom I love.  Just advice on how I should do something different just because someone else has a better idea.  And some people always have better ideas.  They live by stepping all over everyone around them, not caring whom they hurt or what has already come across the path of their audience.  They really don't care.

Life for them is perfect because they control it...every piece of it...from their hair to their body shape...to their children...to their home...and everyone else is left feeling like they are not good enough.  And yes, I got caught up in the audience of "not good enough"  and living in the land of comparison... :z

While living in the Land of Comparison, I came across a book called "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope.  Wow!  I would like to share some quotes from it just in case any of you reading are also walking this path I'm depending on Jesus to walk me through...

"Jesus is waiting for us in the midst of our imperfect lives, when our pain and failures confirm our self-doubts.  He is there waiting for us when we're going through the motions, aware of what needs to be done but unaware of how we're going to do it.  He is there on those mornings when we can't stop criticizing ourselves for blowing it the day before; when we go to work and wonder why we're even there....wherever you are, He wants to meet you there.  He is waiting for you to stop, come up close, and turn your heart to listen to His.  You don't have to pretend things are fine when they aren't.  He knows what is going on in your thoughts.  Nothing could keep Him from wanting to be with you.  He invites you to come to Him to receive the perfect love He offers--love that casts out fear, love that is patient and kind, love that keeps no record of wrongs."

"Until our hearts find complete security and significance in God's unconditional love, we will never be satisfied."

"God has a plan for your life!  He wants to use everything He has brought you to, to bring you through.  Not a single thing in your life will be wasted.  God will use your past and present to prepare you for your future."

"God's plans for us are found when we surrender ours and seek His each day.  God's plans unfold each time we come to Him, talk to Him, and really believe He's listening."

"Peter also said we need to be alert.  The best way to do that is by slowing down to listen to our thoughts.  If our thoughts are against us, our feelings will be too.  When you get that 'not good enough' feeling, stop and ask God what triggered your thoughts and made you start turning toward the shadow of doubt.  Then compare your thoughts about that situation to God's thoughts.  Do they match?  If not, look for a promise in God's Word to replace the lie that filled your heart with doubt."

"From the moment we wake up, we need to tune in and listen to God's thoughts toward us...The truth is, when we belong to Jesus we are loved and accepted forever.  We are covered in His goodness, and it's His goodness that makes us good enough!"

Even this morning, I was struggling...clinging to verses of perseverance from God's Word...leaking tears while listening to wonderful songs and hearing God's Word spoken...walking one step at a time...seeking to follow Him.  I know He is good.  He has brought this across my path...and He will bring me through.  His plan is a good one, and He is faithful to make me more like Him. 

****************************************************************
Thank You, LORD, for Your faithfulness...Your mercy...Your forgiveness...Your guard over my mouth...
Clinging to You...

Star Student and Dr. Seuss

This week at school, Austin was the star student.  He could bring pictures, things from home to show his classmates, and a treat sometime during the week.  We decided that since today is Dr. Seuss' birthday, we would just bring something to celebrate both..."Cat in the Hat" hats!

Austin, you are such a precious person!  You make me laugh.  You love life.  We love you!

holding tightly and opening the palm to the Provider...

With all my might,
I want to hold onto
these blessings given
from God's hand
to my life at this moment.

I want to hold
tightly to
my husband...
and have him with me
for the rest of my days...


I want to freeze in time
my 5th grader
with his abundant energy
and desire for justice...

I want to forever hold
my 2nd grader
with his gift for writing stories
and love for staying
home with me...
"Mommy will you play
the Wii with me?"

How I want my heart to be awakened to
each moment with these precious people...

I don't want to live in fear for the future...
for what might happen
for the what-ifs...

Instead, of clinging tightly to these
precious people, Lord, give
me the courage to hold
them in my open hands...knowing that You
will make them a blessing
wherever You take them...

may each balled sock bring
only smiles and prayers for its owner...

may each unmade bed raise
my heart in praise for the blessing of rest...

may each dirty dish
put a song on my tongue for our daily bread...

may each word I speak to these blessings
encourage them in their own walk with Jesus...

may each moment I spend making our home
a special place not be viewed as a waste...
but as a present to them...

may each unkind word spoken by
hurting people be dropped at the curb
and not held tightly to my heart...

Remind me each day, Lord, of Your goodness...
of Your blessings...
and of Your calling on my life
as a wife and mom...
for this is one of those things
that only I can do in their lives.

*******************************************************

"A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than rubies.  Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life...She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.  Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:  'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.'  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.  Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate." ~Proverbs 31:10-12, 25-31

making the most of the moments...

we were waiting in the vehicle

for Daddy and Joshua

to get their shopping done

(yes, my dearest likes to shop...
especially for things for
our boys when they are in sports)

when Austin asked if he could go down

the slides...
(Joshua joined us later when he was done)

Lord,

This boy

named Austin

is such a blessing

to me...

he makes me smile!