a cookie-cutter life

Yesterday, on the way to school, my boys and I were listening to the Christian radio station out of North Platte...KJLT.  I love worshiping God on the way to school and leaving my blessings at school with a song of praise in their heart!  Focus on the Family usually comes on sometime as we're on our way to school.  The topic, yesterday, was near and dear to my heart...a topic not experienced by everyone, but by more people than we would ever realize...infertility. 
**You can listen to Part 1 of the broadcast here...http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/fof_daily_broadcast/ffd_2011/2_april_may_june/ffd_20110509.mp3 and Part 2 of the broadcast here... http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/fof_daily_broadcast/ffd_2011/2_april_may_june/ffd_20110510.mp3 

Infertility (the inability to conceive or retain a pregnancy) is such a strange thing...after all, Who is really in charge of blessing us with children?  God.  He is sovereign.  He gives us our gifts of family and children.  Why He would choose to allow infertility to His children just boggles my mind.

We enter our marriages with thoughts that we can have children whenever we want...like we are in charge...  We dream as young girls how many children we would love to have...  We see life sometimes through what God is doing in other people's lives and assume that the same things will happen in our lives.

That was my experience, anyway.  I always dreamt of having between 4-6 children.  I grew up in a family of 4 girls.  My own father had 8 siblings in his family and his aunt's family had 9 children.  I just assumed that I would have a large family. 

When Scott and I married, he was in seminary in Dallas and we were living on my teaching income. Fast forward 4 years, after living through other friends having babies, and our own miscarriage, we welcomed our blessing who is now 10.  Three years later, we opened our arms to our blessings who is almost 7.  I remember, though,  feeling like Hannah, Rachel, or Sarah in the Bible...begging and begging God for a child.  What was wrong with me?  I was following Him...had given my life to serve Him...

Although grieving the loss of a dream is very very difficult, I have come to grips with my not being in charge.  The experience of infertility has helped me to not ever take for granted the two special blessings God has given me.  You see, my life is a gift.  I have not been promised someone else's life...but my very own.  God has an exciting adventure for me...drawing me closer and closer in relationship to Him.  He even uses this odd thing called infertility to make me depend totally on Him.

The gals who shared so genuinely during the Focus on the Family broadcast helped to remind me that this path of infertility is chosen for me by God...Who in His infinite wisdom, knows that this will make me stronger and draw me even closer to Him.  If I were granted to have as many children as I dreamed of having, I probably wouldn't have the faith in my God that I do.

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Thank You, Lord, for taking me to the place

of being able to rejoice with those

who are expecting blessings from You.

Thank You, Lord, for the two sweet blessings

You have given to me and my dear husband.

Thank You, Lord, for this path of infertility

for walking and carrying me through.

Thank You, Lord, that my life is not

a cookie cutter life...just like every one else

who can have a baby whenever they want.

Thank You, Lord.