a farmer's daughter

Autumn...
leaves turning
beautiful shades of yellows
oranges and reds
and falling gently with
cool breezes
a time of harvest

farmers and their families out
harvesting the fruits of
spring seed plantings
wives praying for their husband's
safety as they work long hours
with big equipment
lunches out in the field
precious moments
together
trucks filled with grain
traveling to sell
at nearby towns
"Harvest is done!"
seasons to celebrate

my daddy will always be a
farmer...a hard-working
man of the earth...
an innovator
who figures out new and better ways
to work through something that isn't quite
going the best way it could...
a gardener on massive scale...
a lover of seeing things accomplished...
one who cares for God's creation
and makes it grow and produce...

Thank you, Dad, for
teaching me to
never be afraid of getting my hands dirty...
showing me what good, hard work looks like...
modeling for me the importance of leading with work gloves.
You have taught me so very many things,
and although I did not marry a farmer,
I am using so many of those things in my life
as a farmer's daughter and pastor's wife.

seeds are still planted,
seasons still change,
and harvests are seasons of celebration
with LOTS of hard work in between...

thank you, Dad!

A bit of perspective...

Just a few days ago, I was grumbling...yes, grumbling.  I am by no means "OK"ing my choice to complain.  I'm just admitting that I was just there.  In.  a.  pit.  And I was very happy to remain there.  I had been grumbling about something I was doing and felt obligated...doing something just because it had to be done and was the right thing.  BUT not at all because I WANTED to do it and I was definitely NOT cheerful about it.  Ever been there?

I knew I should not be feeling like that.  I tried to pull myself out.  I said Bible verses that would be encouraging...I tried to sing...I even made a call to a good friend...and yes, I prayed.  But I still wanted to drop-kick the situation.  Yes...drop it...and kick it...far, far away.  Nothing I did seemed to help.

That same night, my husband and I went to pray with a family...a family put on a course they would have never chosen for themselves.  And you know what?  The walls of that pit I had been in just melted away when I thought of the enormity of the situation they are facing and the absolutely pitifully miniscule thing I was set on complaining about.

Perspective...reality...both hit me like a ton of bricks.  What in the world was I thinking?!  Who cares honestly about the nitty when this family is facing the gritty...the yuck...the gut-wrenching.

I can hear my mom telling me, "Jennie, get out there and do something for someone else."  And you know what?!  She's right.  When I feel that awful pit trying to suck me into its bottomlessness, I want to remember this...helping someone else out can give a person a healthy perspective of the blessings that God has given and the ways that He has set me back on a good path instead of being stuck.

****************************
Lord,
Thank You for the reminder...
that You do have a good plan...
that I can trust You, even when I don't understand or LIKE the scenario...
that as You remove one thing, You replace it with something even better...
that I can live with a thankful heart even when I don't FEEL like it...

AND thank You for my wise mom!

Writing again...

I think it has almost been a year since I've written anything.  I can hardly even bring myself to write in my journal, which is an absolute oddity.  But that is OK...it is OK to just do something different.  Can't believe all of the things that have happened in this past year!  Our boys have grown like WEEDS!  Joshua is now taller than me and wearing shoes bigger than his daddy...Austin is soon going to be looking people eye to eye...

In the past year, I have started working at the local Garden Center more regularly...made lots of fun rugs and now have 4 craft shows on the calendar in the next month...attended more sporting events than I can count (and LOVED them, I might add)...AND started leading Bible study again.

I have learned so very much...
**life is hard, but not too hard when I'm depending on God to fill me with His strength...
**not everything in life requires a response...
**waiting can be extremely difficult, but does not have to be still and boring...it can be filled with activity...
**no matter what happens, God is still good and I can trust in Him...
**tears and laughter are both very healing...
**if it's not in my circle of responsibility, I don't need to think about it, analyze it, or deal with it...it's not mine...

So very thankful...

alone in a full room

walls far from each other
the room filled with
people...
visiting,
laughing together,
catching up on each other's weeks...

she sat alone
a room filled and noisy
yet unaware of her
and the days, week, and months
of sorrow...change

the need to talk
was not hers...
hers was a time
to be silent

a heart broken
a life aware of the
fleeting moments
this life offers...
precious life
so quickly ended...
memories...
blessings

the songs sung
were devoid of comfort
and just represented reminders
of what was no longer

tears leaked...
shoulders shaking...
pushing back the
overwhelming

shadows of truth
speaking of
fulfillment through
things,
substance,
of no worth

she does not believe the lie...
at least she doesn't
want to...
the lie
that what is seen
is it...
that what is seen
determines worth

instead, she sits
clinging to
leaning on
what will last
believing
sight-unseen
of promises given
long ago

steady
slowly
healing to come
tears
open hands
trusting

someday
the unseen
will be seen
the seen
will fall aside

waiting

lost

last night
     nearing dark
little boy lost
     without shoes or coat
cold out
     neighbors walking
calling out his name
     searching in vehicles
walking the neighborhood
     panicked great-grandmother
who had been watching him
     and his 4 sisters
"Is he hiding in the house?"
     "No, I looked"
police and emergency personnel called
     walking with flashlights
ambulance with flashing lights nearby...waiting
     vehicles driving the streets slowly
drivers looking and looking
     lots and lots of prayers
searching pastures and fields
     neighbors' playground sets
and backyards
     looking, looking, looking
more people joining in
     call from my husband
HE IS FOUND!
     drive home
drop off my friend who had called
     sigh...
***************************************
little boy had crawled into
     his great grandparents' bed
and was asleep
     giving thanks
what a wonderful neighborhood!

a letter to Zane

Dear Zane,
     One week ago, the head stone designed by your brother, my husband arrived to mark where your body is resting.  How does one sum up in just a few words what an entire life entailed?  I wish each grave had a book by it...a book written that those walking through the cemetery could read....because each and every person there has a story to tell. 
     We miss you.  We miss you teasing Joshua and Austin.  We miss being able to invite you to watch their games.  We miss going to games to cheer on you as the coach.  We miss having to make food without anything green in it.  We miss having to ask you to turn down the music because you have it up too loud.  We miss seeing you walk to work as we are taking Joshua and Austin to school.  We miss being able to call you and invite you over to enjoy the firepit with us.
     Someone has stopped by and left a few golf balls in the dirt.  You meant so very much to so very many people.  Your family was bigger than who lived within the four walls of your home.  You were loved.
     We are so thankful for the time that we had with you...and we look forward to the day when we will be reunited with you in heaven.  Until then, we grieve our own loss...not yours...because you have gained.
Love to you,
SJJA (Scott, Jennie, Joshua, and Austin)

my prayer today...

Oh, Dearest Jesus...
Today we are thankful...
thankful for breath...
thankful for active,
       loving boys...
thankful for each day
       You give us...
thankful for the change of seasons...
thankful for friends...
thankful for a walk
        with You...
thankful for warm blankets...
thankful for coffee visits...
thankful for memories...

Please hold us close
       as we trust You
              and wait for You to do a mighty work...

You do not give to just take away...
You have a good plan...
You can see the whole picture...
You bring moisture to the desert...
You paint the sky each morning and evening...
You cause the birds to sing
       and the flowers to bloom...
Blessed be Your Name.